It's about time to call it a night everyone--finally received motivation to get some things done today . I may not have got all the to do list complete, but some is better than none. From where I was a few months ago to where I am today, WOW !! Total transformation, as my sissy/best friend God Bless her soul would say your coming out of your shell so giddy on up with your bad self girlfriend !! I miss her terrible tonight. That empty gut feeling urgh--there truly has been one too many losses this year. How much is one supposed to deal with ?? Not for me to say, only the all mighty Lord up above that is his calling not mine. I don't mean to sound dark and despair. But, sometimes it just happens the blessing of it all is it does not last as long as it used to. I really do miss my Sandy though. So, many things have happened since she left this life. She was my rock, my tell one all friend. And, boy did I EVER tell her all and vice versa. We may not have talked every day usually about once a week. Hahahha and hubs would always say dam, how can you both stay on the phone so long lol. OKAY , time to stop now. It is the weekend and tomorrow starts the beginning of my favorite season ever. Fall/autumn . The transformation and changes of the leaves etc. I say that I have come a long way from where I once was overcome with tons of grief. But, sometimes that feeling of running and wanting to hide kicks in and so, that is when I play the music loud and proud, as I feel the feelings a bit and then I am good to go. I think it is just hard again, as dealing with my mother in law who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Yet, here we go again. Life is just strange. When we were kids we felt safe and never had a clue what being an adult was going to mean. We were clueless. But, I still wouldn't change anything. The ride of life has been interesting and at times exciting . And challenging at times for sure. I am just in my mellow want to be me and me only wishing I didn't know so many people me. LOL !! I will never forget one time when I went to go see my fav Blues musician of all time. It was right when Sandy was sick. We never went and saw him together as she had been sick for some time. But, I knew that night , which that night always marks my one night out a year. Mom's night out !! Well, I was doing everything in my power to hide from the sadness I was feeling inside, everything except using , Thank God. But, even when my fav musician gave me my annual yearly hug lol I almost broke down then. I was fine, kinda shook and brushed the feeling off. But, a friend had posted on his FB status the other day have you ever been in a room or surrounded by tons of laughing people and still felt like you were so alone inside that you were the only one their ?? Yuppers, I felt that that night. I was videotaping some of AG's sets for Sandy to hopefully be able to see for one last time. I didn't tell AG what I was doing but I think he knew. He had met her before a couple of times. And, he knew from my postings that she was sick. Funny though the dam camera was not working. URGH !! Then when I was standing on the dance floor in front everyone , usually I am jamming to his music but I just felt like I was there but not there. I wasn't feeling mama's one night out a year. I wanted to leave. I knew then that grief was big and large and trying to take charge. I told hubs let's go I want and am ready to go home. He was like huh, AG isn't even done yet. I don't care I want to get out of here. So, we left. Four days later she went into a cancer coma, an E-F 2 ripped through my town and took over 40 percent of the town. We were basically in martial law what I call it. We had to show proof of residence to the police when coming and going for three days. We had tons and tons of people come through, helping put our town back together. One man, neighbor, friend, volunteer fire fighter died in the tornado. I was not able to go see her before she went into her coma. And, I think I am finally coming to terms with that now. Meaning, I think I will be ok. I know I will be ok. But, ya that empty feeling you get overwhelmed with when with thousands of people. What a trip it is !!! Writing about it helps. Music is my medicine truly has been since I was four years old. So, with that I am starting to ramble. So, it is bed time. I miss you everyday sissy, I wish you could have stayed just awhile longer , but don't worry the days are just a bit longer but we will see each other again some day till then I will play a song that reminds me of you and tuck you always in my heart for true friendship never parts !! Goodnight and always be blessed !! Keep on Bluesing on !!!
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